I hope you have a blessed and wonderful New Year of good health, wealth and lots of laughter!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, November 08, 2012
Hillarious "affair" jokes!
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
> 'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
> They decided to try one last time
> for the son they always wanted.
>
> The wife got pregnant
> and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery
> to see his new son.
>
> He was horrified at the ugliest child
> he had ever seen.
>
> He told his wife:
>
> 'There's no way I can
> be the father of this baby.
> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
> Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
>
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
> 'No, not this time!'
>
>
> The 3rd Affair
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
>
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
> about to be cremated,
> and made a startling discovery.
> Schwartz had the largest private part
> he had ever seen!
>
> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
> commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
> It must be saved for posterity.'
>
> So, he removed it,
> stuffed it into his briefcase,
> and took it home.
>
> 'I have something to show
> you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
>
> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
> 'Schwartz is dead!'
>
>
>
>
> The 4th Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover
> when she heard her husband
> opening the front door.
>
> 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
>
> She rubbed baby oil all over him,
> then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
> 'Don't move until I tell you,'
> she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
>
> 'What's this?' the husband inquired
> as he entered the room.
>
> 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
> 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
> so I got one for us, too.'
>
> No more was said,
> not even when they went to bed.
>
> Around 2 AM the husband got up,
> went to the kitchen and returned
> with a sandwich and a beer.
>
> 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
> I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
> The 5th Affair
>
> A man walked into a cafe,
> went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
> 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
>
> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
>
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
> 'How much for a nice juicy steak
> and a bottle of wine?'
>
> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>
> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
>
> The bartender replied:
> 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>
> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
>
> The bartender replied:
> 'The same thing I'm doing
> to his business down here.'
>
>
>
>
> The 6th & Best Affair
>
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>
> He looked up and said weakly:
> 'I have something I must confess.'
>
> 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
>
> 'No,' he insisted,
> 'I want to die in peace.
> I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
>
> 'I know,' she replied.
> 'Now just rest and let the poison work.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Tierisch gut! KOSTENLOSE E-Mail-Animationen - von IncrediMail! Hier Klicken! <http://www.incredimail.com/?id=621125&did=10501&ppd=2822,201207251511,7,[TypeID],[IM_UPN2]&rui=102901902>
>
>
> Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
> Caveats: NONE
>
>
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Handy uses for DAWN
SAVING WILDLIFE
Ever wonder why Dawn Dishwashing Liquid is the wildlife cleaner of choice after an oil spill? According to the International Bird Rescue Research Center, Dawn effectively removes grease but does not cause harm to the skin of the birds. It's also biodegradable and contains no phosphates.
BUBBLES
According to Bubbles.org, Dawn dishwashing liquid makes great homemade bubbles. Here is the Giant Bubble Recipe used in bubble makers at many children's museums: 1/2 cup Ultra Dawn 1/2 gallon warm water 1 tablespoon glycerin (available at any drug store) OR White Karo syrup works too! Stir gently. Skim the foam off the top of the solution (too much foam breaks down the bubbles). Dip bubble wand and get ready for some good, clean fun!
GREASY HAIR PROBLEMS
Kids get into the darnedest things! Like Vaseline and baby oil rubbed into their hair! Dawn is mild enough to use on their hair and strong enough to remove the most stubborn grease.
HAIR PRODUCT BUILDUP
Once a month use original Dawn as you would shampoo. It will remove excess oil from your hair and scalp and strip away any build-up of styling products without any damage. Perform this once a month and you won't have to buy expensive salon products that do the same thing.
MANICURE SECRET
Soak fingers in full-strength blue Dawn. It makes the cuticles soft and easy to work with. And it removes the natural oil from the fingernails, which allows the polish to adhere very well.
REPEL HOUSEPLANT INSECTS
A safe, effective way to repel insects from your houseplants, including aphids, spider mites and mealy bugs. Put a drop of Dawn Dishwashing Liquid in a spray bottle, fill the rest of the bottle with water, shake well, and mist your household plants with the soapy water.
CLEAN YOUR WINDOWS
Try this recipe from Merry Maids: mix 3 drops Dawn in 1 gallon water and fill a spray bottle with the solution. Spritz and wipe as you would with any window cleaner.
PETS AND PESTS
Use it to bathe the dogs. It kills fleas on contact and is much cheaper than expensive dog shampoos.
CLEAN AUTOMOTIVE TOOLS
After you have finished your automotive repair project, soak your dirty tools in Dawn before you put them away to remove all the oil and grime. Dawn also helps prevent rust from forming on the tools.
ICE PACK
Partially fill a strong zip-type sandwich bag with Dawn dishwashing liquid, close and freeze. The liquid soap stays cold much longer and it can be re-frozen many times. It will conform to the place you need an ice pack.
TUB AND SHOWER CLEANER
Take a spray bottle and fill it halfway with white vinegar. Heat in the microwave. Fill the rest of the way with blue Dawn. Put lid on and shake to mix well. Spray on your tub and shower walls. Allow to sit for a few minutes and rinse away. It will totally melt all the gunk, slime, sludge and other stuff that builds up including a bathtub ring.
REPEL ANTS
Spray counter-tops, cupboards and any other area where you see ants with a solution of Dawn and water. Wipe dry. The slight residue of Dawn that remains will not be a problem at all for kids or pets, but ants hate it. Should you see a trail of ants, go ahead and hit them with the Dawn spray.
STRIPPING CLOTH DIAPERS
Add a squirt or two of original Dawn dish soap to your washer and run a hot wash, then rinse until there are no more bubbles. Dawn is a degreasing agent and helps stripping by removing oily residue. Be sure to rinse, rinse, rinse until the water runs clear.
UNCLOGGING TOILETS
A cup of Dawn detergent poured into a clogged toilet allowed to sit for 15 minutes and then followed with a bucket of hot water poured from waist height will clear out the toilet.
POISON IVY
Poison ivy spreads through the spread of the oil within the blisters. Washing the affected area with Dawn, especially on children who keep scratching the blister's open, helps dry up the fluid, AND keep it from spreading.
DRIVEWAY CLEANER
If you have gasoline or motor oil stains on your driveway, you can use the kitty litter method to clean up the excess oil and then use a scrub broom and a solution of biodegradable Dawn dishwashing detergent and warm water to safely and effectively remove excess motor oil from the pavement.
OILY SKIN
Dawn makes a great facial cleanser for oily skin. A drop or two combined with warm water will do the trick.
PAINT OR GREASE REMOVER FOR HANDS
Dawn combined with corn oil makes for the perfect paint or grease remover. Simply combine a little bit of both in your hands then rub it over affected areas. The corn oil and the dishwashing liquid both help to dissolve the grease and paint – yet leave skin soft, unlike harsher paint removers.
CLEANING THE KIDDIE POOL
Plastic wading pools can get very gunky, very fast. Dump the water, then scrub the pool with Dawn and a sponge. More potent cleaners like bleach will weaken and dry out the plastic in the sun.
MULTIPURPOSE CLEANER
Merry Maids recommends using a drop of Dawn in water to clean ceramic tile and no-wax/linoleum floors. You can also use the spray on:
- Bathroom and kitchen counters and sinks.
- Woodwork, e.g., baseboards, shelves, and wainscoting. (Dry as you go–wood doesn't like prolonged contact with water.)
- Tubs and toilet seats.
LAUNDRY PRE-TREATER FOR OILY STAINS
For oil-based stains such as lipstick, grease, butter, motor oil, cooking oil, and some pen inks, simply apply some Dawn dishwashing liquid directly to the stain and scrub with a small brush or toothbrush until the oil is removed, and then launder as usual.
NON-TOXIC LUBRICANT
Sliding glass doors, door knobs, hinges etc. It lasts much longer than any aerosol type spray that I have tried. And Its non-toxic! It does a great job of cleaning the parts that its lubricating as well!
SIDEWALK DE-ICER
For icy steps and sidewalks in freezing temperatures, mix 1 teaspoon of Dawn dishwashing liquid, 1 tablespoon of rubbing alcohol, and 1/2 gallon hot/warm water and pour over walkways. They won't refreeze. No more salt eating at the concrete in your sidewalks
POOL CLEANING
Squirt Dawn down the middle of the pool and all of the dirt, suntan lotion, etc. will move to the edges of the pool for easy clean up! AND it makes the pools sparkle.
EYEGLASS DEFOGGER
Simply rub a small drop of Dawn on eyeglass lenses, and wipe clean. It will leave a very thin film that will prevent them from fogging up.
SHOWER FLOORS
Cover greasy footprints on shower floors with a coating of Dawn; let sit overnight. Scrub away the gunk in the morning with a stiff brush.
APHID CONTROL ON FRUIT TREES
Mix two tablespoons Dawn to a gallon of water and put in your sprayer. Try to get spray both sides of the leaves, branches and the tree trunks. Let sit for about 15 minutes and then rinse the trees THOROUGHLY!
AND FINALLY……..
Here's a brilliant idea! Need a hostess gift when visiting friends and family this summer? Print off this post and include it with a bottle of Blue Dawn! Talk about USEFUL ! :-)
Best wishes,
Shiree McCarver
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